Love the Question

And that would be, Am I Really A Writer?

I have a lot of excuses *not* to be. I wasn’t encouraged as a youngster (in fact, I was strongly – and strangely – discouraged).

I was too sheltered to seek out the truth (even now I have a hard time seeing the big picture).

My juvenenalia was tossed out when I was 12 as punishment for hiding a bad report card (“daydreaming” was blamed for my poor grades…see my first excuse, above).

I had a vicious critic in my eldest brother, the one with Asperger’s, for whom NOTHING was good enough, and everything was laughed at for being “stupid” (no one was allowed to be smarter than him. It was all he had).

I spent *years* not writing…not exercising that muscle. It still feels flabby, despite years of keeping a daily diary and “online journaling”/blogging (intermittently) for the past 12 (!) years.

I still fear the criticism (firmly ingrained in my inner voice) and feel the Imposter Syndrome when I sit down to write. It freezes me at times (most of the time, actually). I need kind editors. I have become the sort of writer I hated working with when I was an editor at a publishing house, the needy kind who wanted constant encouragement, to whom every word was a precious baby that they couldn’t DREAM of cutting out of their beloved manuscript.

But for me, I primarily need to WRITE. To sit down on a daily basis and get the fiction in my head out on paper. I need solitude, which will be coming soon, when all my children are in school. In the meantime, I will keep checking in here and sharing my thoughts on writing as I live them.

And there is my final fear: that I’m not really a writer, because I don’t have The Fire to write. Maybe I have to write to find the fire. Maybe The Fire is just a myth?

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2 comments on “Love the Question

  1. Texanne says:

    Would it be mean of me to say that your family deserves for you to write a memoir? Talk about muse abuse!

    The fire is not a myth, but it’s subtle. Just because you don’t spend your afternoons ranting down at the local hostelry or dressing all in black and writing suicide verse–doesn’t mean you aren’t a writer or that you don’t have the fire.

    I believe that you are a writer and that you have just the right fire for you–ever tried scrambling eggs in a 3000F furnace? Not good. OTOH, you can’t fire ceramics in your children’s E-Z-Bake oven. Yeah, the one that uses a light bulb as a heat source. Don’t set your iron on “Wool” and set it down on your silk dress. Your fire is what you need it to be. Just keep stoking. :)TX

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